What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
