I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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