I wanna bring you to show and tell
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
did i just pee glitter
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
