turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
