What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
