in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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