I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
She's better-looking with the mask on.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
