I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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