you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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