So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
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