I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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