I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
