I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
