I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
