ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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