my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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