Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
