It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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