After last night, I could never be a politician.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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