she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
