The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
