.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
