its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
you have to choose: penises or morals?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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