If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
