sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
