Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
