i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
