Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
