i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just googled if crying burns calories
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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