when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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