So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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