i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
