DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
