Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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