when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
