I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
