Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
