I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
