It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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