I can tuck mytits in my pants
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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