My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
