Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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