When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
