My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
