Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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