oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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