i think my tv is drunk
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
me + whiskey = a bad person
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
