I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
