I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
