did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
