Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
