i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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