I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
