just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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