idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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