It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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