I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
