Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
