Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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