You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
