lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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