oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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